My self-journey into the challenging world

 Paulini Ledua 

One of our dynamic Youths for Integrity Leaders, Paulini Ledua, recounts her upbringing and her current youthful self-journey to adulthood. A touching story of finding one’s self identity and striving for integrity in a challenging world. Paulini talks about her journey with YFI and says, "If you don't have integrity, you have nothing. You can't buy it. You can have all the money in the world, but if you are not a moral and ethical person, you really have nothing.”

Growing up in a family full of boys was not easy as I had no one to talk to about things that was happening around me. But the big advantage was that they were all a big help to mom and dad when it came to looking after me - whenever I was sick - and also I made myself a small sister/small brother (lol)!!

I had a complicated childhood which made me stop trusting others sometimes  but as I grew up, I finally found people that I could trust and I managed to open up to my parents and siblings. In my teen years and being raised up by strict parents, it seemed quite unfair for me sometimes but I was glad they kept me away from temptations of this world.

Even though there were brothers, they made sure I was fine as most of the time; I needed all of their attention due to medical reasons. Dad and Mom were always concerned about my future as the boys would be okay without them but not me. Reaching high school, I managed to get good grades and yes I was tempted mostly by my school friends and Mr Headache was my best friend every time before exams but it never stopped me from making my parents proud.

When I reached tertiary, I finally saw how the city operated and to be honest I was so scared that I used to ask one of my cousins or my dad to drop me to school (FNU Nabua) while I did Foundation in Science and yes waking up early mornings wasn't easy but I had to, so that I could finish my studies and make sure that my dad's money wasn't being wasted as I was a private student not on a scholarship. Traveling everyday was a huge change as my primary years and secondary years were just half an hours walk from home and thus it took me a while to adapt but I gradually did.

Reaching the second trimester of my study, Dad started to get sick but  with God's continuous support and blessings I did well and got to finish the two trimesters well and  had time to spend with him before his last days. I then applied for Bachelor's of Nursing that same year (2017) after getting my results and yes a week after Dad's passing I got my Offer Letter from the University. It was heart breaking as Dad had worked hard to support me study and I only wished he was there to receive the news but God had plans for him thus I was just glad that I made Mom & Dad proud even though we had a rough year.

Continuing my studies in Tamavua was a challenging one but Mom made sure everything was carried out well and even though we didn't have enough, she still managed to take good care of us. For the three years of studying, Mom was both the (Mom and Dad ) of the family and i was more close to her in those years and yes I missed Dad in those years and all I could wish for was to finish my studies well, start work and pay back Mom for all that she and Dad had given me. Some nights in the dorm, I used to cry cause of feeling home-sick and most of the time wishing Dad would pay me a visit as he always did it whenever I went to my relatives for sleepovers or weekends but I had to accept reality and just study hard.

Two years passed, and I finally accepted that Dad was gone and yes my relationship with Mom was a bit of 'Tom & Jerry' as I tended to drive her crazy and vice versa but one thing that didn't change was her checking up on me everyday and I always prayed that I finished  study quickly and gave Mom the best vacation she could ever get so that made me push myself further to study hard. 

Almost to the end of the year, a cousin of mine introduced me and my younger brother to a workshop that was carried out for youths and we managed to join it which is called " Youths for Integrity" and yes it was a good choice that we made.

We learned a lot from that leadership group and yes Dr V was like a Dad to all of us youths that had joined and Integrity was a Big Word with a huge meaning and i would always carry a quote with me all the time and it goes by "If you don't have integrity, you have nothing. You can't buy it. You can have all the money in the world, but if you are not a moral and ethical person, you really have nothing.”

 A year passed, and I managed to reach my last year of studying. I was so happy whenever our results would come out as I would always call mom to show her my progress and seeing a smile from her meant a lot. I always felt like jumping up and down whenever she smiled and yes it was a great start to the end of my tertiary life. The year was full of challenges as well due to COVID-19 but I managed to get through. Mom started to get sick again in the middle of the year and most of the time I would cry in my sleep as I would be worried about her but I was almost there so just had to be strong and keep pushing forward.

Most of the time, whenever I had a patient die, i would always get emotional and teary eyed forgetting that I was in the hospital. Sometimes I think of Dad when I see an older men dying or Mom whenever I see a lady lying in her bed in pain. I would try my best to hold my tears but instead tears would roll down my cheeks and next minute I'm in a room crying and trying to stop at the same time. Seeing patients struggle on their beds always makes me sad but yes I always try my best to help them and provide them the best care they can get.

I don't know why but I had financial problems when it was almost to the end of my attachments in the hospital and peri urban attachments but Mom always hugged me every time and told me "It's ok, don't think about it too much, just focus on your attachment," and yes it wasn't easy as I had been having panic attacks, so every time I went through stressful days i would just stop everything and breathe slowly and just think of Mom.

She would always give the best hugs and I would always be a big baby whenever I went home.

My last week of attachment, was one of the worst days of my life as my stuffs were stolen during my shift and it was also my last time seeing mom when she came over to hug me and also for me to give her something (she was scared I would get another panic attack, that she hugged me so hard while I greeted her in the taxi) but I held my tears back cause if I didn't, I would be going back to the ward with teary eyes but little did I know, it was my last goodbye.

Going back to the dormitory with a headache and tiredness, I thought of making something for myself for dinner and I had to ask Mom about the recipe. Sitting down, sipping my tea, it was awkward to me that Mom didn't call as she always called in the morning and evening. So, instead of waiting for her call, I called her and to my surprise it wasn't her answering but my uncle and I was feeling lost as to why she wasn't answering the phone. I asked for Mom and all I got was silence from my uncle and then he passed the phone to my aunty and all she said was, "Can you come by taxi to us?"

Hearing that made me worry and wonder if Mom was admitted again. Leaving all my tea stuffs, I got my room key and ran out of my room to get to the road, on my way to get a taxi (running up our longest driveway) my aunty called again and she told me that Mom had passed away.

I cried standing in the middle of the road and I almost fell down as I couldn't think straight and couldn't stop crying. I was a bit lost at that time and wondered how she could leave me like that. I didn't have my roomie around as it was on a Friday evening and the only people I could find was my best friends. I called them and cried like a baby while they were making their way to the campus car park. I seriously looked like a baby crying that night but still couldn't believe she also left me alone with the boys. Seeing her lying in her death bed made me lose hope to finish  tertiary but i had to be strong to push  my younger brother to finish his exam even though I felt like running away to a quiet place to shout "Why, God?"

Saying our goodbyes to her a week before my exams was not easy and all I could think of "I can't do it anymore" even though I smiled at everyone, I was crying my heart out inside and felt like drowning in the deep ocean. I couldn't stay at home after the funeral as I would keep crying in my sleep so staying at the dormitory was my escape from missing Mom at home. Weeks went by then I realized that God had plans set forth for us and that Mom had done all her best to raise us well and it was her time to go, so I had to stop asking "Why God?” and just thank God for her time with us.

Finally, exams came by and I managed to do it, with both my parents on my thoughts. Home was quiet, and the atmosphere was different but yes I had to move on and seeing all her clothes hanging in my room got me in tears everyday but life was such that I had to keep moving forward even though it was the hardest thing to do. Graduation day came by and as much as I was so happy that day, I missed both Mom and Dad and only wished they were there with me to receive my Certificate.

To conclude, God knows what's best for us and even though I lost both parent's at a young age, I'm still thankful for their time, and all the things about life they had taught me and my brothers. I'm now seeing what Mom has always been talking about and that is God is Good and he looks after his people no matter what. He may be late in blessing you but He always chooses the right time.