Paulini Ledua
One of our dynamic
Youths for Integrity Leaders, Paulini Ledua, recounts her upbringing and
her current youthful self-journey to adulthood. A touching story of finding one’s
self identity and striving for integrity in a challenging world. Paulini talks
about her journey with YFI and says, "If you don't have integrity, you
have nothing. You can't buy it. You can have all the money in the world, but if
you are not a moral and ethical person, you really have nothing.”
Growing up in a family full of boys was not easy as I had
no one to talk to about things that was happening around me. But the big
advantage was that they were all a big help to mom and dad when it came to
looking after me - whenever
I was sick - and also I made myself a small sister/small brother
(lol)!!
I had a complicated childhood which made me stop trusting
others sometimes but as I grew
up, I finally found people
that I could trust
and I
managed to open up to my parents and siblings. In my teen years and being raised
up by strict parents, it seemed quite unfair for me sometimes but I was glad they kept me away from temptations of this world.
Even though there were brothers, they made sure I was fine as most of the time; I needed all of their attention due to
medical reasons. Dad and Mom were always concerned about my future as the boys
would be okay without them but not me. Reaching high school, I managed to get good grades and yes I was tempted mostly by my school friends and Mr Headache was my
best friend every time before exams but it never stopped me from making my
parents proud.
When I
reached tertiary, I
finally saw how
the city operated and
to be honest I was
so scared that I used
to ask one of my cousins or my dad to drop me to school (FNU Nabua) while I did Foundation in Science and yes waking
up early mornings wasn't easy but I had
to, so that I could
finish my studies and make sure that my dad's money wasn't being wasted as I
was a private student not on a scholarship.
Traveling everyday was a huge change as my primary years and secondary years
were just half an hours walk from home and thus it took me a while to adapt but I gradually did.
Reaching the second trimester of my study, Dad started to
get sick but with God's continuous support and blessings I did well and got to finish the two
trimesters well and had time to spend with him before his last days. I
then applied for Bachelor's of Nursing that same year (2017) after getting my
results and yes a week after Dad's passing I got my Offer Letter from the University.
It was heart breaking as Dad had worked hard to support me study and I only wished he was there to receive the
news but God had plans for him thus I was just glad that I made Mom & Dad proud even though we
had a rough year.
Continuing my studies in Tamavua was a challenging one but
Mom made sure everything was carried out well and even though we didn't have
enough, she still managed to take good care of us. For the three years of
studying, Mom was both the (Mom and Dad ) of the family and i was more close to
her in those years and yes I
missed Dad in those years and all I could
wish for was to finish my studies well, start work and pay back Mom for all that she and Dad had given me. Some
nights in the dorm, I used to cry cause of feeling home-sick and most of the time
wishing Dad would pay me a visit as he always did it whenever I went to my relatives for sleepovers or weekends but I had to accept
reality and just study hard.
Two years passed, and I finally accepted that Dad was gone and
yes my relationship with Mom was a bit of 'Tom & Jerry' as I tended to drive her crazy and vice versa but one
thing that didn't change was her checking up on me everyday and I always prayed that I finished
study quickly and gave Mom
the best vacation she could ever
get so that made me push myself further to study hard.
Almost to the end of the
year, a cousin of mine introduced me and my younger brother to a workshop that
was carried out for youths and we managed to join it which is called "
Youths for Integrity" and yes it was a good choice that we made.
We learned a lot from that leadership group and yes Dr V
was like a Dad to all of us youths that had joined and Integrity was a Big Word with a huge meaning
and i would always carry a quote with me all the time and it goes by "If
you don't have integrity, you have nothing. You can't buy it. You can have all
the money in the world, but if you are not a moral and ethical person, you
really have nothing.”
A year passed, and I managed to reach my last year of
studying. I was so happy whenever our results would come out as I would always call mom to show her my
progress and seeing a smile from her meant a lot. I always felt like jumping up and down whenever she
smiled and yes it was a great start to the end of my tertiary life. The year
was full of challenges as well due to COVID-19 but I managed to get through. Mom started to get
sick again in the middle of the year and most of the time I would cry in my sleep as I would be worried about her but I was almost there so just had to be strong
and keep pushing forward.
Most of the time, whenever I had a patient die, i would always get
emotional and teary eyed
forgetting that I was
in the hospital. Sometimes I
think
of Dad when I see
an older men dying or Mom whenever I see a
lady lying in her bed in pain. I would try my best to hold my tears but instead
tears would roll down my cheeks and next minute I'm in a room crying and trying
to stop at the same time. Seeing patients struggle on their beds always makes me sad but yes I always try my best to
help them and provide them the best care they can get.
I don't know why but I had financial problems when it was almost
to the end of my attachments in the hospital and peri urban attachments but Mom
always hugged me every time and told me "It's ok, don't think about it too
much, just focus on your attachment," and yes it wasn't easy as I had been having panic attacks, so
every time I went
through stressful days i would just stop everything and breathe slowly and just
think of Mom.
She would always give the best hugs and I would always be a big baby whenever I went home.
My last week of attachment, was one of the worst days of my
life as my stuffs were stolen during my shift and it was also my last time
seeing mom when she came over to hug me and also for me to give her something
(she was scared I would
get another panic attack, that she hugged me so hard while I greeted her in
the taxi) but I held
my tears back cause if I didn't, I would
be going back to the ward with teary eyes but little did I know, it was my last goodbye.
Going back to the dormitory with a headache and tiredness, I thought of making something for myself for
dinner and I had
to ask Mom about the recipe. Sitting down, sipping my tea, it was awkward to me
that Mom didn't call as she always called in the morning and evening. So, instead
of waiting for her call, I
called her and to my surprise it wasn't her answering but my uncle and I was feeling lost as to why she wasn't
answering the phone. I asked for Mom and all I got was silence from my uncle and then he
passed the phone to my aunty and all she said was, "Can you come by taxi to us?"
Hearing
that made me worry and wonder if Mom was admitted again. Leaving all my tea
stuffs, I got
my room key and ran out of my room to get to the road, on my way to get a taxi
(running up our longest driveway) my aunty called again and she told me that
Mom had passed away.
I cried standing in the middle of the road and I almost fell down as I couldn't think
straight and couldn't stop crying. I was a bit lost at that time and wondered
how she could
leave me like that. I didn't have my roomie around as it was on a Friday evening and the only people I could find was my best friends. I called them and cried like a baby while
they were making their way to the campus car park. I seriously looked like a
baby crying that night but still couldn't believe she also left me alone with
the boys. Seeing her lying in her death bed made me lose hope to finish tertiary but i had to be strong to push my younger brother to finish his exam even
though I felt
like running away to a quiet place to shout "Why, God?"
Saying our goodbyes to her a week before my exams was not
easy and all I could
think of "I can't do it anymore" even though I smiled at everyone, I was crying my heart out inside and felt like drowning
in the deep ocean. I couldn't stay at home after the funeral as I would keep crying in my sleep so staying
at the dormitory was my escape from missing Mom at home. Weeks went by then I realized that God had plans set forth for
us and that Mom had done all her best to raise us well and it was her time to
go, so I had to stop asking "Why God?” and just thank God for her time with us.
Finally, exams came by and I managed to do it, with both my parents on
my thoughts. Home was quiet, and the atmosphere was different but yes I had to move on and seeing all her clothes
hanging in my room got me in tears everyday but life was such that I had to keep moving forward even though it
was the hardest thing to do. Graduation day came by and as much as I was so
happy that day, I
missed both Mom and Dad and only wished they were there with me to receive my Certificate.
To conclude, God knows what's best for us and even though I
lost both parent's at a young age, I'm still thankful for their time, and all
the things about life they had taught me and my brothers. I'm now seeing what
Mom has always been talking about and that is God is Good and he looks after his people no
matter what. He may be late in blessing you but He always chooses the right time.